laurelbox

Sweet Strange Taste of Gratitude

April 16, 2017 1 Comment

A few weeks ago I walked into a yoga retreat, running kinda late and frazzled because I'm always late and always frazzled. I knew I was supposed to bring a journal, but I couldn't find mine anywhere... typical. In my rushing around, I saw it... a gray journal where I had poured out my heart in the lowest moments of my life. The gray journal where I wrote all my ugly and terrible moments. After I closed it, I had planned to never open it again. So when I realized that it was the only journal I could find, I felt kinda ticked. Why was this journal calling to me? Why was this darkness going to follow me to this retreat? Can't I have a damn minute alone where my story doesn't follow me?

But I took the journal, and I let it lead me. Before our teacher, Jen Pastilhoff walked in the doors, I had already read the entries. I wiped away my tears, hoping nobody saw me. I flipped many pages past my last entry in an attempt to separate myself from the truths sitting there.

But as is true for any soul crushing, it follows you. And on Saturday, with the help of Jen (who I flipping love), I opened up and became brave to look at the crushing. Where I once said "I'm not allowed to be happy," I am now saying "my brokenness makes me beautiful."

I remember in the middle of my lowest moments, I couldn't attribute meaning and purpose to the pain. But when I looked at others who could embrace their messy story, it gave me hope that maybe one day I could too. And I honestly never thought I'd find the day where I could find gratitude for my storm. It wasn't fast. It wasn't pretty. But here, two years later, I've found some beauty in the ugly. And I'm finding myself surprised at the sweet strange taste of gratitude.

xoxo, johanna




1 Response

nancy farr
nancy farr

May 16, 2017

Thank you, Johanna! Thank you for so eloquently putting beautiful words to my heart. I don’t know what your crushing moment was but I can still say “Me too.” The forthcoming of gratitude is almost awkward yet refreshing. I am so thankful for the strange beauty of the pain. Saying that seems crazy when not that long ago and still there are days when I can’t comprehend anything accept an ache that feels like a weight dragging me down. And yet these days an overwhelming gratitude seems to well up. Thank you, Jesus!

Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.


Also in Journal

How to Help a Grieving Friend on Mother's Day
How to Help a Grieving Friend on Mother's Day

March 17, 2020

Mother's Day after you've lost a child, experienced infertility, or lost your mother is excruciatingly painful. Whether you've miscarried, had a child pass away, or said goodbye to your mother, it can feel like the holiday was specifically designed to remind you of your pain.

Continue Reading

Honoring Rainbow Babies
Honoring Rainbow Babies

March 12, 2020

We've wanted to add a Rainbow Baby laurelbox collection for years, and it is finally here!

Continue Reading

Thoughts on Anger and Grief
Thoughts on Anger and Grief

January 13, 2020

Anger always has a story to tell. Because anger is almost never about the thing that sets you off. It’s about feeling used, or being broken, stinging from loss, or coping with the pain of suffering.

Continue Reading