The loss of a child is felt deeply and profoundly. When someone you know is forced to walk this grief journey, it can be challenging to understand how to support them. From not knowing what to say to wondering what, if anything, you can do for them, it can put you as a loved one in an uncertain spot of how to respond. Even if the loss occurred in the past, it’s important to remember that grief isn’t linear. Feelings of grief can crop up at any time. In this blog we will provide ways to support those in your circle who have experienced the loss of a child. I know, firsthand, how devastating child loss can be and I’d love to share my experience to help you support your friend!

If you’ve been around the blog for any length of time, you may have heard parts of our story before. In 2016, we lost our second son Cooper unexpectedly at 36 weeks in the delivery room. Hearing the doctor say, “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat” when days earlier we’d had a perfect ultrasound was as shocking and devastating as you might expect. Leaving the hospital with a box instead of a baby is a certain kind of pain you never really get over, you just learn to manage it well. Just eight months later, we’d be in a different doctor’s office and hear an eerily similar “I’m sorry. There’s no heartbeat” for another son, this time at 11 weeks. Even though it occurred in the first trimester, we were still caught off guard that we were being asked to walk the child loss road yet again. If you are supporting a grieving friend and have never experienced the pain of losing a child, give her space to feel whatever emotions she’s processing. 

It is estimated that as many as 26% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. That means 1 in 4 women carry the burden of losing a child. About 80% of all reported miscarriages occur in the first trimester. In 2020, about 21,000 stillbirths were reported in the United States - about 1 in 175 births. 

This is a natural concern that comes up when talking about grief. You aren’t alone if you’ve ever hesitated to reach out to someone grieving because you just weren’t sure what to say. But let me be very clear: if you want to be a good friend, acknowledge the loss. Pretending like it didn’t happen or avoiding the person in the days or weeks after isn’t showing up for your friend. To ease the burden of what to say, here are a few helpful phrases when reaching out: 

• “I’m so sorry. I can’t fix this. But I can let you know how much I love you and will be here for you no matter what.”
• “You aren’t alone. Whether you need someone to cry with, scream with, or sit in silence with - I’ll be here.”
• “I want to help your family. Let me bring dinner over tomorrow night and leave it on the porch. I’ll text after I’ve dropped it off.” 
• “I love you. I’m praying for you.” 

You don’t need to have a perfect speech put together. You don’t need to offer professional grief counseling wisdom. You may not even need to talk. Just BE THERE. After I posted on Facebook about losing Cooper, we had dozens of friends and past acquaintances reach out with kind words and send sympathy cards. I would go to the mailbox for weeks and open snail mail cards and even if it just had a short “We are praying for you!” I was so encouraged each time. One of the most meaningful messages was from a sorority sister I wasn’t even close with and hadn’t spoken to in years. But she sent a thoughtful message and told me, “Grief isn’t linear. You heal on your own timeline.” I was new to grief and had never heard that before and oh how freeing that was!

Oh we could sit here for a bit! This is not an exhaustive list but generally avoid any sentences beginning with:

• “At least….”
• “You should…”
• “Why don’t you…”
• “Be happy that…”

It’s also not the time for you to share *your* grief story. No one appreciates a “one-upper” and that is certainly true when grief is involved. The only exception is if you lost a child, you can say something like, “I understand how much it hurts to lose a child. If you ever want to talk about it, I’d be happy to share my experience.” Leave it at that and if your friend doesn’t take you up on your offer, move on. 

It’s also not appropriate to compare your pet loss to child loss. Should I say it again for the people in the back? Please please please do not tell your friend how sad you were when your dog died so you get it. Unless you gave birth to Fido, keep that story to yourself. 

Finally, when you are in the throes of grief, you don’t know what you need when someone offers to help. So instead of “How can I help you?” it can be easier to just take the initiative and know your friend and consider how best to help, which brings us to the next section. 

You know your friend best. Does she need you to send her 20 adorable sea otter videos on Instagram? Maybe. Would she appreciate watching a movie or show together (make sure there are no triggers in it!!) while eating popcorn and ignoring her grief? Could be helpful at the time. Would it ease her mental load to arrange a meal train for her family? Probably. While she recovers, maybe offering to walk her dog would be a tangible way to show you love her. Be creative and think of ways to proactively help in the day to day grind of life.

I don’t know of a single person who doesn’t like receiving a gift in the mail. I mean, heck, I get excited opening my third Amazon package of the day even when I know it’s just batteries! Receiving a laurelbox is a unique experience that brings hope to the hopeless and sends love to the heartsick. I know because I’ve been on the receiving end of so many unique bereavement gifts that truly lifted my spirits and told me I was special. There are so many beautiful handmade items to choose from or you can choose one of their curated boxes. One of my favorite items for someone dealing with the loss of a child is some sort of memorial candle that they can light frequently or on special occasions like a birthday. This one is particularly sweet but there are a number of options to choose from. 

Keep in mind October is Infant Loss Awareness month with October 15th being International Wave of Light. This is a time when people across the world light a candle at 7pm in their respective timezone in honor of children and babies lost at any stage of pregnancy or infancy. 

Other sympathy gifts for child loss include wind chimes, custom jewelry, or something from our fall sympathy gift collection. If your friend has been through a traumatic birth or D&C, the self-care shower steamers set might be a good choice. I can remember crying in the shower for what seemed like hours as my milk came in a few days after delivering our stillborn son. 

 Even if you don’t choose something from Laurelbox, you can easily assemble a gift basket by visiting your local TJ Maxx or Walmart. Grab a basket and fill it with a box of tissues, some cozy socks, a magazine, bag of popcorn and a bottle of wine and you’ve got yourself a thoughtful sympathy basket that could easily be dropped on your friend’s front porch. 

I hope this blog has been helpful and given you some creative ways to support loved ones who are dealing with child loss grief. Whether you offer them words of support, acts of service or a sympathy gift, do something to acknowledge the loss and pain they are experiencing. If you would like more examples of what to say and what not to say to someone grieving, check out this past blog. Remember, infant loss and child loss can leave the parent feeling robbed of all that was to come. So be considerate and compassionate and always err on the side of love!