After losing a loved one, it can leave you questioning who you are without them and lead to a deep shift in your identity. The roles you once held and the routines you were used to may no longer feel like they fit. This blog will help you begin to reconnect with yourself and find meaningful ways to feel grounded again through self-care, hobbies, and other practices. We want to normalize the impact loss can have and remind you that you are not alone. By implementing self-care practices and positive habits, grief can transition into growth. We will also suggest some self-care and memorial keepsakes to provide comfort during challenging seasons of loss. 

I recently watched the new Twisters movie with my 11-year-old son. In case you don’t know the plot, it revolves around a group of storm chasers driving into tornadoes across Oklahoma in search of data for the greater good, fame, and the thrill of the storm. One of the main plot points is how unpredictable these storms are and the devastating aftermath they can leave in their wake. Entire towns demolished. People and animals lost in a moment. Someone’s world can change within minutes. It reminded me how similar that is to the death of a loved one. Maybe you were going through life and then *wham* the loss of a spouse hits you like an EF-5. You were putting the finishing touches on the nursery when the loss of your baby feels like you are Dorothy dropped from the sky into unfamiliar land. There is a line from Twisters that stayed with me. One of the main characters explains, “A tornado rating, it’s not based on size or wind speed - it’s based on damage.” How descriptive of the grief process, too? The damage left in the wake of a death is more descriptive of the role that person played in your life than the relationship itself. When we unexpectedly lost my father a few years ago, it was shocking and out of the blue. However, because our relationship had been strained for so many years and we spoke occasionally and saw each other a few times a year at most, the damage in the wake of his passing was less disruptive. I was grieved, obviously, but it felt like that rating scale was on the lower side. A few years earlier, though, we lost our second son Cooper unexpectedly in the delivery room at full term. That damage felt like the storm of a century. It left us asking hard questions of God and ourselves. Each change of season, we felt the loss profoundly in a new way. It basically remapped our entire lives and changed our landscape. Can you relate? What is your grief rating scale, if you had one?

Finding your identity after significant loss can be challenging, to say the least. The landscape of your life is forever changed. I recently came across a new concept (or I should say a “new to me” concept) that I think would be helpful to anyone healing after the loss of a loved one. Here are the so-called “Three Cs of Grief” explained:

Choose: In experiencing the loss of a loved one, it feels like we have little control over anything. But that’s not actually true. While we cannot control life and death and change that reality, we can choose to respond to loss in various ways. We can choose to wake up each day and make healthy decisions like well-balanced meals, exercise and fresh air, regular showers and limiting unhealthy habits like doomscrolling, alcohol/drug use, and late bedtimes. 

We can also think about who we want to become in this new existence. We have agency. After my parents’ divorce when I was in college (which I acknowledge is not a physical death), my mom decided she was going to sell the house and move to Israel, a place with special meaning to her. She literally chose an entirely different life for herself in the face of devastating loss. It’s been over 20 years and she’s still living in Israel and has embraced an identity very different from “rejected wife.” What are some passions, hobbies or interests you put on the backburner that you’d like to pursue now? Was there a special trip you and your loved one had planned to take? Why not go ahead and book it and start a new beginning?

Connections: Feeling connected to people and yourself is so important, especially in the weeks and months following a loss. When our world shifts, we have a tendency to pull away and isolate ourselves.  That can become dangerous if we stay in the place of silence for too long. We were made for connection and community. A licensed grief counselor or therapist can help you process loss and work through your conflicting emotions. Lean into existing relationships that can encourage you and support you. Find a support group so that you can hear how other people are processing and working through similar types of loss. 

When we lost Cooper, I was very open and vulnerable on social media. It was uplifting reading people’s comments and offers of support. It also opened a door for a friend to reach out a few months after our loss and offer me a remote job at her non-profit. I had no idea at the time how much I needed that job and it gave me a sense of purpose and busyness that was a godsend. In the weeks following Cooper’s funeral, I found myself most depressed in the afternoons. Our toddler was napping and I felt lost. I was supposed to be feeding, changing and holding a newborn but what was I supposed to do now? That job provided a much-needed schedule for that season and it started because of a connection I had made and the decision to share my grief with others. 

Communicate: The saying “Communication is king” reminds us that clear, consistent communication is a game changer. Don’t be afraid to let people around you know how they can best support you during this grieving season. Do you need to be reminded who you are? Do you need someone to just sit and cry with you? Do you need to hear stories about you or your loved one from years past? It may be helpful to communicate *with yourself.* Find a journal and start writing. Self-discovery is a journey that starts with a simple question, “Who am I and who do I want to be?” Start pondering what you want this new life to look like and how you can take steps toward that vision. 

Even as you begin a journey down a new path with a new you in sight, there is no denying the grief you will forever carry. Significant relationships mark us, as they rightly should. We carry a part of them with us always, even as our identity may evolve and our life change. It’s important to look for memorial keepsakes that help remind us of the special people in our lives. Gifts that I personally love are the memorial windchimes, personalized photo frame and engraved jewelry. 

We hope this blog has been helpful in reminding you that you aren’t alone, as much as it might feel that way. Healing after losing a loved one is like rebuilding after a destructive tornado. Whatever you rebuild will look different and that’s okay. By focusing on choice, connections and communication, we can thoughtfully consider what our new life could look like. As we transition into a new season, we will always carry our loved one’s legacy with us.