Our hearts here at Laurelbox have been heavy since the July 4th tragic flash flooding that took place in Texas. It reminded us that many families are navigating loss and grief as they prepare for summer to come to a close. Returning to school after the loss of a loved one can be difficult for a grieving child, whether it is during the school shopping season or in the middle of the school year. It is important to ensure they have resources and a supportive environment to heal. This blog will discuss ways to help a child transition back to school after experiencing a loss.

In the early hours of July 4, heavy rainfall brought catastrophic flash flooding along the Guadalupe River. The river rose nearly 22 feet in just two hours, sweeping away nearly everything in its path. The flooding killed over 107 people in Kerr County alone. Statewide the loss of life surpassed 135. Tragically, dozens of children were included in that devastating total, particularly at Camp Mystic. The Christian all-girls camp located along the river lost 27 campers and counselors. This catastrophe marked the deadliest inland flash flood in the U.S. in nearly half a century. 

In the days immediately following the flood, I couldn’t stop reading articles on it. The fact we had just picked up our 11-year-old from a beloved summer camp a few weeks prior combined with my news background, I found myself searching for and crying over the devastating stories. There were so many examples of resilience, sacrifice and bravery in the midst of such loss.  We at Laurelbox also received a number of orders to honor lives lost in the flooding and so it became more real than just distant headlines. Our hearts break with those parents whose girls never came home and so many children who lost siblings, best friends and relatives. 

When a loss occurs and children are involved, we have to remember that little humans handle grief differently than adults. The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible, similar to when cartoon characters die and come back to life. It makes sense considering how many animated movies reinforce this. Children between five and nine begin to think more like adults about death, but they still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they know. So the shock may be intense and linger for some time.

It could be exacerbated by the unavailability of other family members, who may be so shaken by grief that they are not able to cope with taking care of someone else, even a child. For grieving teens, the Dougy Center has an awesome resource flyer for that age group. Some of their tips, written directly to teens, read, “When someone dies, your whole world can radically change. Some teens describe it as a hurricane or a tornado, taking out everything in its path. You’re left to pick up the pieces and figure out what life will be like without that person. Who will you be? How will your family react? What will you remember and what will you miss? There are no expectations for how you might think and feel about the person or the loss (although people might be throwing lots of ‘shoulds’ at you). Grief can be intense and loud or quiet and barely there. Some people aren’t sure what they feel. It’s all okay.” Such good explanations! 

It’s important to remember children and teens should be allowed to express feelings about their loss and grief in their own way. Just like we as adults want space and permission to grieve in our own way, children need this as well. 

Charles Dickens starts his novel A Tale of Two Cities with this famous line, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” It reminds us that many elements of life are paradoxical in nature. Opposing experiences like joy and sorrow, hope and despair, can coexist at the same moment. I’ve found that especially true for grief. Children who are grieving may look forward to the normalcy of school. It’s (generally) a known entity and that stability can be comforting during a tumultuous season. Thinking about the Pythagorean Theorem might be easier to ponder rather than wondering what their future will look like without their loved one. Spending eight hours away from home and the memories that permeate that address might be a welcomed change. At the same time, kids might be fearful to “move on” into a different season without their loved one. The thought of having to explain the loss to friends, teachers and classmates could be overwhelming. Make yourself available to the grieving children in your life and help assure them that a mixture of emotions is normal and okay. Do everything in your power to ease the transition back to school. Offer more affection, space and grace than you may be used to.

Grief support for children returning to school requires a combination of emotional support, practical foresight and cooperation with the school. The Children’s Bereavement Center offers these tips: 

Validate Their Emotions -  Grief can lead to varied and complicated emotions for children and teens expressed in different ways. Validating these emotions and acknowledging that they come from a place of mourning can help children feel supported during this time. Keep in mind that children may not want to speak about their feelings in the moment. If that is the case, it is best not to push the conversation and, instead, let them know you are available to listen and be there for them when they are ready to talk.

Create Structure and Routine - For grieving children, providing consistent structure and routine in their day-to-day activities is incredibly beneficial. With the death of a loved one, there is already enough change to adapt to. By providing a degree of consistency and predictability, grieving children can have the emotional space to process their feelings of loss without becoming overwhelmed by other changes in their daily routine. 

Problem Solve “What If” Scenarios - With child bereavement, the return to school is one of the more stressful transitions that they will encounter following a loss of their loved one. Children are typically filled with worries. By problem solving some “What if” questions ahead of time and working with the school teachers and administration to create solutions to any concerns, children will feel more prepared to start attending school again.

Acknowledge the Need for Support -  Consistent support is one of the most important things we can provide for a grieving individual. Children, in particular, can benefit from various forms of support during their grief, including support from their immediate family, school setting, and peers. Ensuring that children are provided with support in all of these aspects of their life can be a protective factor against the development of complicated grief and mental health concerns. 

Grieving children might appreciate a tangible gift or memorial item to honor the life of their loved one. Whether it’s a set of memorial windchimes,creating a butterfly garden, memorial jewelry, or a custom memorial suncatcher and rainbow maker, consider choosing an item that can bring a daily reminder that their loved one will always be with them in spirit. 

We hope this blog was useful if you are helping children with grief. Challenges may arise as kids prepare to return to school and that’s normal. It’s important to provide ways to offer grief support for children after a loss. Depending on their ages, children will need different levels of support and comfort after a parent loss, loss of a sibling, or another type of loss. Make sure to include their teachers, administrators and coaches as you formulate a holistic approach to the bereaved child. As I close this article, I encourage you to read about the victims of the Texas July 4 flooding. Say a prayer, light a candle, and hug those you love closely. Here is a list of organizations supporting flood recovery if you feel led to give financially.